Jokes

Frank G W · Sun May 10, 2009 11:57 am

Heres an old one, my personal favourite, well excuse me iff i tell it wrong but i vagely remember it xD

Theres an englishman an irishman and a scottishman [excuse grammar]

They all work in a church spire [doing repairs etc]

everyday, they all sit down for lunch at their' breaktime,

The englishman sais, iff i ever get ham and cheese for lunch again, im gonna throw myself off this building

The scotsman sais, iff i ever get peanut butter for lunch again, im gonna throw myself off this building

The irishman sais, iff i ever get jam again , im gonna throw myself off this building.

The nextday, the scotsman kills himself.

@ the funeral, the wives' of the workers are talking amongst eachother
'Im sorry for your loss', one sais to the other
'ya know, its strange - he made his own sandwhiches'.

xD. this joke is much better iff u can find it on google properly, thats just on top of my head xD

schlurbi · Sun May 10, 2009 12:21 pm

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday in front of the Judge.

The Judge said: "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your Honor. I drew two circles like this:......... O o ....and told them 'the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.' "
"That's admirable!" said the Judge.

To the second boy the judge said, "And you, how did you do?"
"Well, your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people? That's amazing!! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles .. o O ... and said (pointing to the small circle) 'this is your asshole before prison.....' "

:lol:

schlurbi · Sun May 10, 2009 12:45 pm

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He
immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to
the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff
grass yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty,
and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that
is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Hawke · Sun May 10, 2009 3:55 pm

Quark 1 to Quark 2: What's up?
Quark 2 to Quark 1: I feel down.
Quark 1 to Quark 2: That's strange. You're usually quite charmed.
Quark 2 to Quark 1: Well, it's my wife you see. She hasn't been lepton in a few years now. And with my age, it is really difficult to get a hadron.

Skillers · Sun May 10, 2009 4:01 pm

That's a terrible multilayered particle physics pun

Hawke · Sun May 10, 2009 4:19 pm

Skillers wrote:

That's a terrible multilayered particle physics pun

Yet you liked it. Not so terrible if it made you smile.

Spoiler for This joke is sexually explicit. I am not held responsible should you wish to read this. If you complain, blame yourself for not reading this warning:

Hawke · Sun May 10, 2009 8:49 pm

Spoiler for SEXIST JOKE:

Lord Metritutus · Sun May 10, 2009 9:29 pm

From a magazine cutting I have:

An attractive woman arrived at the casino and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.' With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled 'Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... 'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other in amazement.

Finally, one of them asked ,'What did she roll?' The other answered 'Buggered if I know - I thought you were watching.'

schlurbi · Sun May 10, 2009 10:10 pm

:lol: nice one met

Hawke · Sun May 10, 2009 11:25 pm

One day a guy noticed that he had a red ring around his penis.

So he goes to the doctor and he gives the guy some cream and says, "If it doesn't work come back again tomorrow".

The guy went back to the doctor and said "The cream you gave me didn't work"!

So the doctor gave him a different cream and said "If that doesn't work come back again tomorrow".

So the next day the guy came back and said "This stuff you gave doesn't work either".

So the doctor gave him some more cream and said "If the red ring is still there come back tomorrow".

The next day the guy came back and said "The cream you gave me worked what was it?"

So the doctor said "Nothing special... it was just lip-stick remover".

DHR-107 · Mon May 11, 2009 8:16 pm

Four guys start to walk up a mountain.

When they are near the top, one of the guys dies. The other three, low on rations and unsure what to do with the body start to talk to each other.

"Hey, I know! We can eat the body!"

"Dude, that's disgusting"

"Without the food we aren't going to make it to the top"

"Okay, fine, how will we decide which peices to give to who?" asked the third guy.

"I know!" Said the first guy again, "We can eat the pieces that are from our favourite football team!"

"Okay, I support Heartlypool, so I'll eat his heart" said the second guy.

"I support Liverpool, so I'll have his liver" Said the first.

The third guy stayed quiet.

"Who do you support?" Said the second guy.

"Arsenal".

schlurbi · Mon May 11, 2009 8:20 pm

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when
the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in
quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then
began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down
over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past
the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her
inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He
continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped,
rolled over and started to watch the tv.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, "That was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

He said, "I found the remote".

schlurbi · Mon May 11, 2009 8:57 pm

With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following.

1. Viruses replicate quickly.
Windows does this.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so.
Windows does this.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk.
Windows does this.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unkown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems.
Windows does that too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware.
Same with Windows, yet again.

Maybe Windows really is a virus.

Nope! There is a difference!

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus.

Hawke · Mon May 11, 2009 8:59 pm

I told that joke in the software forum.
edit: viewtopic.php?f=7&t=2494

Skillers · Mon May 11, 2009 10:58 pm

Notice Schlurbi's join date is 3months after that was posted...

A joke I heard at a comedy thing. Spoilered for timing reasons. And it's possibly mildly offencisve

So a guy says "I'm going to be Hitler, kill all the Jews and one clown".

Spoiler for So his friend responds:

DHR-107 · Tue May 12, 2009 12:38 am

I lolled xD

schlurbi · Tue May 12, 2009 12:40 am

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did.. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam

brataccas · Tue May 12, 2009 12:47 pm

Skillers wrote:

Notice Schlurbi's join date is 3months after that was posted...

A joke I heard at a comedy thing. Spoilered for timing reasons. And it's possibly mildly offencisve

So a guy says "I'm going to be Hitler, kill all the Jews and one clown".

Spoiler for So his friend responds:

jews are ace people and way more intellegant than most people combined :'(

schlurbi · Tue May 12, 2009 12:53 pm

isnt it racist SKillers?

DAAVEE!! SEND A WARNING!!!

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day / 10lb weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: ' If you can catch me, you can have me. ' Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he
finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens.

On the fifth day, he weights himself and is delighted to find that he has lost 10lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day / 20lb weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: ' If you can catch me, you can have me. ' Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20lbs as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day / 50lb weight loss program.

' Are you sure? ' Asks the representative on the phone. ' This is our most rigorous program. '

' Absolutely. ' He replies. ' I haven't felt this good in years. '

The next day there's a knock at the door, and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign that reads: ' If I catch you, you're mine. '

He lost 63lb that week.

Hawke · Tue May 12, 2009 3:07 pm

schlurbi wrote:

isnt it racist SKillers?

DAAVEE!! SEND A WARNING!!!

He put a spoiler on it. You can't complain as you decided to read it.
If Skillers placed a bomb somewhere, he can't be blamed if you decided to go along and make it explode.

A man put an advert in the paper requesting for any woman to be his wife. He got over 1000 responses. Each said "You can have mine."

schlurbi · Tue May 12, 2009 3:54 pm

the spoiler tag was for the answer of the "friend"

Skillers · Tue May 12, 2009 4:18 pm

TBH, if you can't take racism and sexism in jokes, you don't really have a sense of humour. Watch any comedians and you will be very aware of how present it is. The difference is, it's not intended to insult, it's intended to be funny.

Hawke · Tue May 12, 2009 6:36 pm

Skillers, Metritutus and Hawke were arrested for pr0 gaming and accused of haxing.
All 3 were sentenced to death by a firing squad, consisting of 5 men carrying an AK-47, an M4A1, a flamethrower, a syringe gun and (for unknown reasons) a paintball gun.

The next day, they lined Hawke up and painted a nice big target on his front.
"Ready... aim..."
Hawke pointed behind them, "HURRICANE!"
The firing squad turned around, allowing Hawke to use his natural reflexes, climb the wall and escape to freedom.
The firing squad were not happy.

A minute later, they lined up Metritutus and the same happened.
"Ready... aim..."
"LOOK OUT! A TIDAL WAVE! IT'S A TSUNAMI! RUN FOR YOU LIVES!"
The firing squad looked around, allowing Metritutus to use his comically large "ban-hammer" (as he nicknamed it) to smash the wall down and escape to freedom, meeting up with Hawke in the pub later.
The firing squad were really angry and repaired the wall.

1 hour later, they lined up Skillers and the same thing happened.
"Ready... aim..."
Skillers pointed at the firing squad, "FIRE!"

Lord Metritutus · Tue May 12, 2009 6:40 pm

Shadowhawke wrote:

Skillers pointed at the firing squad, "FIRE!"

Heh.

They should have known he would not have gone down that easily.

Jokes

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