Dear person of interest/misfortune
If you are reading this then you must be new to/have been abandoned at this community/asylum known as Techious. In that case, I greet/condemn you with the best/worst intentions. I hope things are going very well/horribly wrong for you in real life and wish you the best/would jump off a bridge on future occasions.
The rules of this place/looney-bin are quite simple. Be polite to the other members/inmates whilst showing particular respect for the staff members/demons that run this place. The members/inmates of this community/hell hole are very friendly/unfriendly and I am certain/hopeful they will greet you warmly/roast your genitals on a spit upon seeing you/your ugly face.
The social order is/things that will happen to you are as follows. Si/Cookie Monster is the top dog/assassin I have hired and being the clever man/sadistic b*stard he is, he fixes and maintains everything including this website/will bury you alive in cookie dough. Second in command/on the long line of mercenaries trying to collect the huge bounty I have placed upon your head is Kyhas/Nipple Tugger, a very friendly man/thing that is the man to speak to regarding any matters/will ensure you are hung by your nipples for a day or two above an open fire. After that are a few more staff members/assassins that are probably too awesome/horrifyingly sociopathic for me to mention. Hopefully the information of this community/your impending doom has left you with a positive impression/urinating from fear on how things are here/totally f*cked you are.
Feel free to join us in a game of CSS, TF2 or Borderlands/jump into an activated jet engine sometime soon. I look forward to seeing you online/your horribly mangled corpse.
Yours faithfully/F*ck off you twit



Hawke Solaris

N.B. Please delete as appropriate!

Kyhas the....nipple tugger? O_o