Jokes

Hawke · Sun May 03, 2009 11:44 am

Tell your best/favourite/even you own jokes here.
Any kind of joke welcome.

Why is sex like a card game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Lord Metritutus · Sun May 03, 2009 5:45 pm

I posted this awful one that I made up on another forum a while back:

One security guard on a farm says to the other: 'Don't let anyone pasture'.

Say it out loud, then cringe.

DHR-107 · Sun May 03, 2009 6:09 pm

xD Sounds even better in my thick Glos accent

Errrm... I'm not great at telling one liners and stuff xD

Skillers · Sun May 03, 2009 6:34 pm

Classic physics joke;

A farmer has a problem with his chickens, so he calls up a biologist, a chemist and a physicist.

The biologist says he has an idea, but he would need some more data first.

The chemist takes some samples to perform tests on.

The physicist says he has a solution, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum

Lord Metritutus · Sun May 03, 2009 7:10 pm

Heard something like this a while back from somewhere:

Two grave diggers decided to dig up Beethoven.

On opening the coffin, they find him rabidly rubbing out his music leaving only blank sheets of paper.

"What is he doing?" asks the first grave digger.

"Ah" says the second, "he is de-composing."

DRAGON · Sun May 03, 2009 7:12 pm

Skillers wrote:

Classic physics joke;

A farmer has a problem with his chickens, so he calls up a biologist, a chemist and a physicist.

The biologist says he has an idea, but he would need some more data first.

The chemist takes some samples to perform tests on.

The physicist says he has a solution, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum

Classic...I think

Gozzer · Wed May 06, 2009 9:48 pm

Metritutus wrote:

I posted this awful one that I made up on another forum a while back:

One security guard on a farm says to the other: 'Don't let anyone pasture'.

Say it out loud, then cringe.

Met that is epic!

De4dCh1ck3n · Thu May 07, 2009 5:58 pm

i dont get it :'(

Lord Metritutus · Thu May 07, 2009 7:24 pm

De4dCh1ck3n wrote:

i dont get it :'(

Say it out-loud. It sounds like 'Don't let anyone past you' but pasture is with reference to farms.

Unfortunately, pulling apart a joke like this means that once you understand it this way you most likely will not find it funny. Ah well.

DHR-107 · Thu May 07, 2009 9:06 pm

lol, It's funny for me coz I say it properly in a farmers accent

Gozzer · Thu May 07, 2009 11:14 pm

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy (fungi).

Skillers · Thu May 07, 2009 11:22 pm

Terrible. And old

Hawke · Thu May 07, 2009 11:23 pm

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Lord Metritutus · Fri May 08, 2009 6:38 am

Gozzer wrote:

Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fun guy (fungi).

Unfortunately, once lots more of these fun guys arrived, there was not mushroom to move around at the party.

Shadowhawke wrote:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

I've heard that one before, but it's a good one.

schlurbi · Fri May 08, 2009 7:58 am

i dont have much jokes. i can only posts the ones i find in the net

Last Night I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me:

"Hello mate, how are you doing?"

I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied
"Yeah, not too bad thanks."

After a short pause, I heard the voice again
"So, what are you up to mate?"

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied
"Umm, just having a quick poo.. How about yourself?"

I then heard the voice for the third time.....

"Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some dick head in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

Lord Metritutus · Fri May 08, 2009 7:47 pm

That one was quite clever. It made me smile, but it probably shouldn't have done.

DopperLancer · Fri May 08, 2009 10:55 pm

well i got onea a
a centr xcoppdpyer drtihnks soem beer and goets drubn,k and den whorties on the foruks and is like weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Skillers · Sat May 09, 2009 2:28 am

Drunk Dopper! WIN!

schlurbi · Sat May 09, 2009 9:49 am

drunk dopper for the lose

Skillers · Sat May 09, 2009 12:38 pm

Win, I think you'll find.

Lord Metritutus · Sat May 09, 2009 12:42 pm

On topic please.

schlurbi · Sun May 10, 2009 10:55 am

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole."Grandpa," he says. "I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
"I know," replies the grandfather. "That's from your grandma."

Lord Metritutus · Sun May 10, 2009 10:58 am

Good grief.

schlurbi · Sun May 10, 2009 11:17 am

Hung Chow says: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "You know Hung Chow I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Hawke · Sun May 10, 2009 11:24 am

Spoiler for Only read if you can take a sexist joke. I am not held responsible for complaints about the joke if you choose to read it.:

Jokes

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