Jokes

Skillers · Tue May 12, 2009 6:57 pm

With that kind of story, I think they would all burst into flames

schlurbi · Wed May 13, 2009 1:08 pm

Skillers wrote:

TBH, if you can't take racism and sexism in jokes, you don't really have a sense of humour. Watch any comedians and you will be very aware of how present it is. The difference is, it's not intended to insult, it's intended to be funny.

You think i was serious when i wrote >DAAVEE!! SEND A WARNING!!!< ??
because i wasnt. i know a lot of Hitler jokes. And anti Jewish. and a lot of jokes against women.
but i just dont like them as i like normal jokes.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical
Procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles
black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them
around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? '

Hawke · Wed May 13, 2009 1:33 pm

The Pope, Tony Blair and George W Bush are on a plane, trying to discuss world peace, when one of the engines fails. The second engine fails as well and they being to plummet to their deaths. There are only 3 parachutes in the plane and 4 people are on board (there is a pilot as well).
Quick as a hawk, Bush grabs a parachute and declares "I'm the president of the United States, the most powerful man on the planet. I have to survive to carry on fighting for freedom!" With that, he opens the plane door and jumps out.
Tony Blair, just as quick, grabs another parachute and says "This man who just jumped showed judgement. I have to follow in his footsteps for the perpetuity of British values!" He jumps out immediately afterwards.
There is only one parachute left. The pilot hands it over to the Pope. "Here, your Holiness, you can jump."
"Worry not my son" the Pope chuckles. "George grabbed the bag with our lunch."

Lord Metritutus · Wed May 13, 2009 2:21 pm

Shadowhawke, that was a good one.

schlurbi · Wed May 13, 2009 3:14 pm

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat,

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million pounds?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million pound would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million pounds.

But 'realistically', we're living with two whores and a queer!

Hawke · Wed May 13, 2009 4:50 pm

Osama bin Laden has sent another video to an Arab TV station in which he urges Muslims to go to a holy war against USA and UK. He finishes by saying: "I'm alive and well. I am not a recluse who lives in fear and exile. To prove this, I can tell you that Liverpool were crap last Sunday."
Government officials claim that this recording could have been made months ago.

Si · Fri May 22, 2009 11:07 pm

Patient: "Whats the prognosis doctor?"
Doctor: "Your <LOOK MA, I AM SWEARING>"
Patient: "WTF"
Doctor: "Well, you are pregnant"

Wynney · Fri May 22, 2009 11:14 pm

spoiler fail

Skillers · Sat May 23, 2009 1:18 am

Eh Wynney?

Lord Metritutus · Sat May 23, 2009 8:06 am

Wynney wrote:

spoiler fail

Skillers wrote:

Eh Wynney?

I reckon he posted in the wrong thread.

Skillers · Sat May 23, 2009 6:17 pm

Ironic fail

schlurbi · Thu Jun 11, 2009 2:48 pm

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy,
went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, The man said:
'Father .. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide
her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual
favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on
Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one
more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

Ogris · Fri Jun 12, 2009 6:31 pm

Racist jokes incoming... You have been warned

Spoiler for OMGOMG:

You don't have to be racist to tell racist jokes.

schlurbi · Fri Jun 12, 2009 6:36 pm

lol. just lol. I dont understand the second one tho.

DopperLancer · Sat Jun 13, 2009 6:08 pm

Ogris wrote:

Racist jokes incoming... You have been warned

Spoiler for OMGOMG:

You don't have to be racist to tell racist jokes.

thanks for almoust killing me with laughter

Furious · Mon Jun 22, 2009 12:28 am

I found this joke very funny.

How do you save George W. Bush from drowning?
You take your foot off his head.

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